哈佛大学公布2023Fall优秀文书（附文书点评）

想要写出一篇好的文书，最快的方法就是从真实的优秀范例中学习。

前不久，The Crimson公布了2023Fall录取者的优秀文书，并附上了每篇文章的点评。从这些例子中，我们能看到哈佛大学的文书偏好，以及生动鲜活的写作技巧。

老师从中挑选了4篇，一起来看一下吧～

VOL.1Michelle G.'s Essay

 Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.
 
Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”
 
My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.
 
But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.
 
As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.
 
Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.
 
After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.
 
My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones. 

文章点评

本文用诗一般的语言，回忆了早年与祖父一起生活的画面，让人感受到生命如歌，短暂却美好。同时，文章也展现了作者敏锐的观察力与思考。

写“一个对你有影响”的人这类文章时，我们常遇到的困难就是如何在「展示那个人」以及「保证文章的重点落在你和你的成长」之间找到一个平衡。

在这篇文书中，作者抓住了祖父的几个特点：世故、理解蝴蝶转瞬即逝的本性，同时也富有同情心，理解并尊重米歇尔对蝴蝶的呵护。

与此同时，文章始终聚焦于展示米歇尔多年来的成熟过程。她从她的祖父那里继承了对大自然的热爱，以及对生活的洞察所需的自我意识和内省能力。我们也从她将蝴蝶翅膀艺术描述为“保留大自然之美的一种方式”中看到了她的艺术天赋。

总的来说，尽管这篇文章的重点是米歇尔的祖父以及他对她的影响，我们仍然可以对米歇尔有很多了解。我们知道她很有成就(跆拳道金牌) 、有艺术细胞、有爱心。她的深思熟虑和内省的天性也在这篇文章中得到了体现，这无疑是招生官们所青睐的品质。

VOL.2、‘When Life Doesn’t Gives You Lemons’

 With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.
 
At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?
 
I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.
 
The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.
 
Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.
 
With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.
 
Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.
 
When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say). 

文章点评

失败的文书各有各的不好，但许多成功拿到Offer的文书都有这样一个共同结构：「钩子+锚+故事+成长」。

钩子：“钩子“的作用是吸引读者。招生官员每天要读上百篇文书，所以尽量马上抓住他们的注意力。比如在开头写一些有趣的或与众不同的东西是一个不错的方法。

这篇文章中用到的“钩子”就是laymounada，黎巴嫩的laymounada 有什么特别之处？它和普通的柠檬水有什么不同？Teta是谁？作者用一连串的故事迅速引起了读者的好奇心。

锚：“锚”是一个想法或主题，用来连接、升华整篇文章。一个好的“锚”应该是发人深省的、让人回味无穷的。

本文的“锚”就是“生活没有给我柠檬”——作者在家里找不到一个柠檬，所以不得不发挥创造力推销不含柠檬的laymunada。这段经历让她学会了坚持不懈，并开始了一系列的尝试。文章在结尾又呼应了这个“锚”，将全文串联：“When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).”

故事：讲故事的一大黄金法则是“show, don’t tell”，不要试图直白地告诉招生官你是一个多么伟大的人。相反，试着用故事让他们感受到你的个性、性格和取得的成就。

具体来看这篇文章，作者分享了许多有趣的细节，比如将饮料定价为“fifty scents”来契合玫瑰主题；开玩笑说她赚的10美元大部分来自父母和邻居，但他们甚至懒得喝柠檬水。这些细节将作者勾勒成来一个有趣的、有创造力的、有进取心的人，同时也展现了她的谦逊。

成长：所有优秀的申请文书都离不开强调自己从之前的经历中学到了什么、取得了哪些成长。

例如，本文作者认识到她的商业尝试缺乏连续性并不是一个“巨大的失败”，相反，这培养了她的好奇心、坚持不懈的精神和对商业的热爱。在文章的最后，很明显能感到作者是一个对商业充满热情的人，能够从每一次经历中吸取教训，并将它们应用到下一次的努力中。

作者抓住了所有这四个关键要素——钩子、锚、故事和成长——这就是这篇文章成功的原因。

VOL.3、‘The Color of Everything’

 There’s a theory that even though each color has a specific wavelength that never changes, how people perceive a specific color may have subtle differences based on small differences in photoreceptors, and the color that one person might consider red might still be red in another’s mind but could look different— a little duller, softer, cooler. Furthermore, how a person’s brain processes the color may also be linked to that person’s environment. Some studies have suggested that color sensitivity could be linked to one’s native languages: for example, people who speak languages that have specific names for eleven colors are able to easily distinguish those eleven colors, but people who speak languages with fewer color specific words may have a harder time distinguishing them

So it appears that even at the most elementary level of sight, the world is not an objective thing. Instead, what we know and what we remember can influence what and how we see. The color blue may just be the color blue to a three year old, perhaps her favorite color even, but an adult might connect it to so much more—the lake by his childhood home or the eye color of a loved one.

I first consciously became aware of the power that our experiences have to change perception when I went to turn on a light in my house after learning about photons in class. What had previously been a mundane light suddenly became a fascinating application of atomic structure, and I thought that I could almost perceive the electrons jumping up and down from energy level to energy level to produce the photons that I saw. I then realized that my world had steadily been changing throughout my years in school as I learned more and more. I now see oligopolies in the soda aisles of the supermarkets. I see the charges warring with each other in every strike of lightning, and the patterns of old American politics still swaying things today. Knowledge and making connections with that knowledge is the difference between seeing the seven oceans glittering in the sun and merely seeing the color blue. It’s the difference between just seeing red and seeing the scarlet of roses blooming, the burgundy of blood pumping through veins, and crimson of anger so fierce that you could burst. Knowledge is color; it is depth, and it is seeing a whole new world without having to move an inch.
 
It is knowledge, too, that can bring people together. I love listening to people’s stories and hearing about what they know and love, because if I learn about what they know, I can learn how they see the world; consequently, since behavior is often based upon perception, I can understand why a person behaves the way they do. On a road trip during the summer, my mom kept looking up at the streetlights lining the highways. When I asked why, she told me that whenever she saw lights by a highway she would wonder if her company had made them. She would guess how tall they were, how wide, and what style they were. She told me that ever since she started working for her company, lights no longer were just lights to her. They were a story of people who first had to measure the wind speed to figure out what dimension the lights had to be, and then of engineers, of money passing hands—possibly even under her own supervision as an accountant—and then of transportation, and of the people who had to install them. I might never perceive lights the exact way my mother does or see her “red” but by hearing her describe what she knows, I can understand her world and realize her role in ours.
 
Beauty and color are in the world, but it is seeking the unknown and making new connections that unlocks them from their greyscale cage. 

文章点评

通读全文，你会发现这篇文章结构很好，每一段都进一步说明了作者探索新的“知识与生活的联系”的渴望。

在第1、2段中，她从“同一种颜色在不同人的感知中大不相同”这个科学理论开始，引起读者的兴趣，最后引出“我们所接受的教育、经历可以改变我们所看到的世界”这个论点。

在第3段，作者举例说明了她的第一个“A-ha”时刻：开灯这样一个小小的动作，让她“看到”了课堂上学到的电子和粒子运动。然后由此展开，将日常活动与宏观思想联系起来，从经济学到自然现象，再到政治。这是一个不断深入和拓展的过程。

第4段起到了升华的作用，进一步启发我们：教育、开放的心态能够在看似不同的世界之间架起桥梁，让我们了解和理解他人的故事。最后用她的母亲看路灯时的所思所想结尾，表明任何人都可以将他们的知识、经验与所处的环境联系起来。

总的来说，本文作者得出了一个有力的结论：教育、同理心、倾听、理解和沟通，所有这些都驱动着她探索生活。这也让招生官感受到了申请者是一个充满激情、好奇心强、讨人喜欢的学生——这一特质被哈佛大学这样充满活力的学术团体尤为看重。

VOL.4、Michelle G.'s Essay

 It's 8AM. Dew blankets the grass under my bare feet as my small hands grasp the metal of the backyard fence. I lift my heels, summoning enormous power in my tiny lungs as I blare out a daily wake-up call: ""GIRLS!"" Waiting with anticipation for those familiar faces to emerge from their homes, my mind bursts with ideas eager for exploration.

Years later, at the corner of our yards, gates magically appeared; an open invitation connecting the backyards of four mismatched homes. The birth of the ""Four Corners"" inevitably developed into lifelong friendships and became the North Star in the lives of absolute strangers who have become family. As parents bonded at the gates, discussing everything from diapers to first dates, the kids took advantage of overlooked bedtimes and late night movies. Today, I launch into adulthood with the imagination, leadership, and confidence born from adolescent adventures.
 
Behind corner #1 lived the Irish neighbors, where I embarked on a culinary exploration of corned beef and cabbage served during the annual St. Patty's celebrations. My taste buds awakened with the novelty of a peculiar dish that seemed to dismiss the health hazards of sodium chloride, an element that conjures up mental images of chemistry experiments. With U2 playing on the speaker, and parents enjoying a pint of Guinness, adolescents discussed inventions that could lead us to a pot of gold; from apps that would revolutionize the music industry, to building a keg cooler from a rubber trash can (and yes, we actually tried that). Endless playtime and conversations fueled the gene of curiosity which molded my creative thinking and imagination.
Behind corner #2, vibrant Italians cheered on the creation of zip lines and obstacle courses, which taught me a thing or two about Newton's Laws of Motion. Body aches from brutal stops provided lessons in physics that prompted modifications. This inventive spirit during backyard projects required testing, redesigning, and rebuilding. I wanted to conquer the yard and use every square inch of it. My swimming pool hosted ""Olympic Games"", where the makeshift springboard I built would have made Michael Phelps proud. I dove into projects, disregarding smashed fingers and small fires. Through persistence and sheer will, repeated failures became a source of progress for all to enjoy. These lessons served me well when diving into the Odyssey of the Mind Competitions.

Corners #3 and #4, where Cuban roots run deep, entertained countless activities opening a world of learning and exploration. 1AM backyard stargazing encouraged my curiosity; the night sky like a blank slate, ready to be lit up with discovery. Through the eye of the telescope, I traced stars that were millions of miles away, yet filled my tent like fairy lights. Questions merged in a combinatorial explosion that only led to more questions. Could a black hole really cause spaghettification? Do the whispered echoes of dead stars give a clue to how old our universe truly is? Years later, at the FPL Energy, Power, and Sustainability Lab, conversations about smart grids, electric vehicles, and a possible colonization of the moon would take me back to that backyard camping, propelling my desire for exploration.

In my little pocket of the world, I embrace the unexpected coincidence that struck 20 years ago, when four families collided at the same exact moment in space and time. My Four Corners family, with their steadfast presence and guidance, cultivated love, maturity, risk-taking, and teamwork. Through my adventures, I became a dreamer, an inventor, an innovator, and a leader. Now, fostering my love for learning, spirit of giving back, and drive for success, I seek new adventures. Just as I walked through the magical gates of my beloved Four Corners, I will now walk through transformational thresholds to continue on a journey that began as a girl, at a fence, with a heart full of hope and a head full of possibilities. 

文章点评

这篇文章非常具有代表性：很多同学都在苦恼自己的生活平平无奇，没有经历过戏剧性的巨变或者克服难以置信的困难，文书里不知道该写点啥。但这篇文章恰恰选择了童年生活中的小事，将它们展示给招生官。

而且作者的文笔很好，通过感官描写让读者也能有身临其境的感觉：我们可以感觉到潮湿的、尖尖的草坪；听到作者的声音，“年幼的我的小小的肺里吸入巨大的力量”；闻到和尝到咸白菜的味道；看到遥远的星星，“像仙女灯一样充满了我的帐篷”。这些描述都让这篇文章不会枯燥无聊，也让人相信只有亲身经历过这些，才能写出这样的语句。

所以这篇文书也很好地展现了申请文书的另一个作用：利用你生活中的小事，来更广泛地展示你自己的特质。

本文作者在后院的冒险揭示了她对STEM的热爱，与申请中的其他部分很好地呼应：烹饪课变成了“化学实验”，建造滑索变成了“牛顿定律”的课程，对星星进行哲学思考是“在FPL能源、电力和可持续发展实验室”实习的先导…这些都让招生官感受到了她的学术热情。