四篇2023年达茅文书分享

今天打得开这一篇的人，值了。以后打得开这篇的人，赚了。

因为，这篇要写的官方新鲜出炉的达茅文书。我收集了90年、500篇成功的美本文书。其中哈斯普耶芝麻杜宾霍范加密齐全，但就是还缺几篇达茅的样本。

也不是我没见过号称达茅的文书，只是从那些self-claimed达茅文书里，我还没看到过好得能让我跳脚儿的。所以，在那本每年更新的《文书六讲》里，我一直没选到一篇达茅。今天我跳脚了。

因为上个月，达茅招办首次出版了一本《50 Dartmouth Essays That Worked》。这本书现在上线亚马逊，Paperback $13.99 / Kindle $9.99。但是，在等书之际，我们不妨先读为快，品品Sample四篇的Environment/Nature主题文书。

【达茅AO编注】

这四篇论文都涉及到自然和环境主题，着重于特定的地点或经历，创造性地描述有意义的个人时刻。对于这四篇中的每一篇来说，都有独特的主题，且在处理主题上的方式各不相同。从在阿拉斯加徒步旅行，到在威斯康星州生活，这些文书描绘了作者对于自己或他人的独特观察能力和成长经验。

这些文书中的一个共同特点，是它们将自然或环境作为讨论另一兴趣热情的基础。例如，第三篇写了对解决物理问题的热爱，将其比作学会享受具有挑战性的旅程，这是在Messer Pond 度过的时间里得出的结论。另外，第四篇将对猎菌的观察与祖先和加泰罗尼亚人为独立而斗争联系起来。

这些文书都靠着引人入胜的开篇来吸引读者进入故事。一句醒目的开篇句至关重要，能吸引读者并在整篇阅读中持续吸引他们。第一句也需暗示着故事中的关键的信息。一个环境为中心的文书故事，通过在自然中的经历，创造性地表达了作者的热情和个性。

下面是第一篇，《A Wild Summer Cleared My Eyes》

We danced on the top of the mountain. My hands filled with jellybeans, I bounced around with the four girls I was spending my summer with. I looked about, memorizing the astonishing landscape that expanded before me. Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon.

It was day 32 of a 45-day backpacking expedition through the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in northern Alaska, an experience I had dreamt about since I was nine. That day, we needed to move from one river valley to another, crossing a ridge along the way. After planning our trek, we began our journey upward. The sun shone, and lighthearted conversation soon filled the air. But just beyond a gentle curve, the grassy terrain turned to loose stones. The gradual slope disappeared, replaced with a steep mountain face. Alarmed, I called out to my leader, gesturing toward the towering ridge in front of us. "Are we going over that?" She turned to look at me, replying, "Yes, we are," before continuing to walk. Cautiously, I followed.

The ground began to slide beneath us, causing upward progress to slow as we carefully chose where to step. I looked back down the slope, realizing that one misstep would send me sliding down the mountain. As we continued, the wind picked up, and a layer of grey covered the previously blue sky. I felt something sting my face and looked up. Small hailstones began falling, and the patter of ice against my hood became the only sound I heard. A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes. Already terrified, the evolving weather only added to my unease. All eyes turned toward our leader, as we questioned the safety of continuing up the mountain. "We have to get over it," she shouted, struggling to be heard over the swirling wind. Facing the ridge, she resumed the slow, deliberate trek upward. Taking a deep breath, I followed, keeping my gaze focused on the ground. Conversation ceased as we zigzagged up the slope, each person concentrating on their footing. As we climbed higher and higher, my fears began to multiply.

A month earlier, my thoughts, often occupied with worst-case scenarios, would have been consumed with these fears. When looking at the world I live in, I seemed to see only hate, violence, and inequality. This perspective weighed on me. I wasn't able to appreciate happiness because I was fixated on finding things that were wrong with my life and the world. Then I went to Alaska, and everything changed. I began to see the beauty the world has to offer. It wasn't only the beauty of the mountains and caribou; I began to notice the beauty in rainstorms and impossible climbs. Instead of only allowing myself to see the darkness in the world, I slowly opened my eyes to the goodness of people, and the happiness spending time with others could bring. When looking at that slope, I saw more than loose rock and a nearing storm; I saw an opportunity to test my limits and strengthen the bonds within my group. I felt hopeful.

It seemed like we had been climbing for an eternity when the slope began to level. I raised my head, a smile crawling across my face. The ground in front of us was flat, the valleys behind the ridgeline opening up before us. We cheered and began to dance around. A new wave of energy filled the air, with peals of laughter soaring above the gusting wind. We had survived the ascent.

Someone grabbed a bag of jellybeans, and we took handfuls of the well-deserved treat. Despite the still-developing weather and the idea of a steep descent looming over us, we took time to celebrate on what seemed like the top of the world. We made it, so we danced.

【老师评一】

文章的开头和结尾都很精彩，一句“dance on top of the mountain”把读者干脆利落地拉进故事。作者对风景和经历的描述也生动，让读者感觉身临其境。像“Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon”这样的句子，画面感十足，很有感染力。

“Small hailstones”和“ patter of ice”之后， “a lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes”以既视的恐惧，来设置阅读悬念。笔头此刻突然转向月前的对比，引出“ridgeline opening up”和“new wave of energy”，征服wilderness的希望和喜悦。情感旅程，让阅读产生共鸣。

最后，“so we danced”呼应开篇，让故事更加丰富有趣。 这篇的叙述虽然流畅生动，但还是不乏需要改进之处。稍微调整一下过渡和一些小的语法错误，文章会更加引人入胜。比如，开篇的句子，仍可缩减“We danced atop the mountain”。另外，"A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes"，可以改成"A lump rose in my throat, tears pricking the corners of my eyes"。还有，从爬山转换到心理反思的部分，显得生硬，中间需要加个过度句就更顺畅了。

好吧，我承认，这只是还不错的一篇，谈不上很好。叙述上来讲，不足比哈佛文书的起承转合。从主题上来讲，没有哈佛文书的那种压人两头的价值观。

但是，这篇所表现的，是一个真实的teenager的真实的生活和成长，没有哈佛文书里明显的“拔苗助长”感吧。这是让我喜欢这篇的原因。 精彩，还在后头。

第二篇，《Parents, Teachers, and Places that Shaped Me》

Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be? My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin. l grew up burning wood, eating fresh food from our garden, and spending my time reading and exploring outside. My mom, a math teacher, taught me good studying habits and encouraged an interest in learning. My dad, a self-taught wood timber framer, built every house I lived in and showed me how anything can be accomplished if one is willing to learn about it. My mentors and teachers provided me with opportunities I would have not even known about without them.

Yet, as much as l attribute my success to my coaches, parents, and hometown, l have not become passive clay in their hands. I have made choices that, while influenced by my upbringing, are entirely my own, and I have learned lessons from my choices I never would have.

When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted. l traveled on my own to the Catalonian region of Spain to learn the culture, practice and expand my knowledge of the Spanish language, and learn some Catalan. I also was interested to see if I could handle being a foreign exchange student myself. I visited Munich in Germany and learned more about German culture. From this trip, l learned that I was not ready to be a foreign exchange student as a high school student-instead, we hosted a Norwegian student last year- and now, I am eager to study abroad in college.

This past spring, I applied to go on a sailing trip around Isle Royale on Lake Superior. In June, I departed with the captain, his wife, and five other high school students from Minnesota and Wisconsin. On the trip, we learned about the effects of climate change on the lake, the relationship between wolves and moose on Isle Royale, and how to sail. This trip inspired me to live with purpose and awareness of the consequences of our actions on the world. This trip closed the circle between my upbringing- my parents' choices- and my own will and crystallized my purpose. My first action was to organize a group of kids from my town to skip school on International Climate Strike Day to attend a rally in Duluth.

Five years ago, my parents chose to move to Ely to be near the Boundary Waters wilderness area. This was uprooting our lives and leaving the farming community we knew and loved. We have settled in and built our house, this time with flush toilets. We have become less sustainable in my opinion, purely for the want of comfort, and while I was disappointed, we did not install solar panels, moving to Ely brought opportunities to me that were not available where we lived before. The school has a cross country team and a Nordic ski team. l had learned to ski from my grandma on our 40-acre property on ungroomed trails, which I loved. So, the thought of having a ski racing team was a dream come true. I quickly learned the new techniques and became successful at racing. I met my friends for the rest of high school on that team. Even though my family has always skied, it was my choice to join the team and ski competitively, which became a passion and a lifestyle.

There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited. But l feel I have chosen paths both inspired by them, yet ultimately made by me. I am now excited to begin making my mark on the world.

【老师评二】

这篇给我的读感，就是简单地喜欢。读完再想想，可能有三点突出的地方：丰富的经历、新鲜的反思、明确的自我意识。本文从家庭环境开始，到独自旅行，再到大湖航行，既丰富了故事，也表现了个人能力的成长。作者对于自我的反思深刻，特别是反思中完成选择和经历成长。

文章的结构上读起来显得杂乱，从家庭环境，到德西旅行，到大湖Sailing，再回到搬家Ely，从时间和空间上，看似没有明显合理的顺序。但这浅浅的意识流写法，正是这篇大学文书的有趣之处。这让读者能在没有设置故事悬念的条件下，只好带着一种不可调和的纠结感，一直体会得到下一处文字的新鲜之处。 虽属意识流的风格，文字上并非随意即可。

本文有些句子还可更精炼、提高语感力度。比如开篇处，“Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be?”可以直接缩减成“Am I a product of my environment?” 接下来，“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin”，也可以缩减成“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything”。

第四段，“When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted”显得很啰嗦。可以改成，“At sixteen，l traveled two months alone to visit Spanish and German exchange students hosted by my family”。

第六段，“There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited”可以改成“My parents, teachers, and the places I have lived and visited have shaped me”。

第三篇，《Red Cabin Taught Me Race》

They say home is where the heart is, and while my body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, my heart is always 350 miles north, tucked away in a rustic, red cabin along the shore of Messer Pond. As I memorize endless lists of Spanish verbs, revise dozens of rhetorical analysis essays, and calculate countless derivatives, my personal Walden is never far from my mind.

While I feel an emotional attachment to this cabin, its presence has also catalyzed an awakening within me. My daily life feels like a sprint with a finish line constantly moving farther away. An initial 100-yard dash lengthens into a 3-mile jog, which extends into a marathon. I ace a calculus test; I lose a field hockey game. I pass my driving test; I don't make varsity. Each success comes with its respective failure, yet I run faster. This cycle continues, and I increase my relentless, exhausting pace, only pausing when I recall my experiences at Messer Pond.

However hectic my schedule is, I always feel a sense of peace and fulfillment at the cabin. Whether I am kayaking, hiking, or swimming, I focus on the journey, not the finish line. Motivated by the cadence of the earth, I reach my destination: the neighbor's dock; the mountain's summit; the pond's island. In contrast to the cacophony of deadlines, commitments, and schedules, nature's rhythms are steady, calculated. Each beat complements another, creating a symphony of wind gusts, pond ripples, and dragonfly wings. The tempo shifts from easygoing to explorative to enigmatic, and I enjoy every verse.

The melody becomes more contemplative at night as I stare at the constellations and infinite galaxy above me. These stars, light years away, form animals, heroes, utensils. It is not my infinitesimal existence that occupies my mind as I gaze at this integral of the universe. Rather, in these moments, my perspective broadens. As I take in this tapestry, its all-encompassing nature amazes me. It contains every disagreement, from an argument between siblings to a battle between world powers; every birth, from a screaming baby to a newly independent nation; every brilliant mind, from Tolstoy to Newton. When a vast world offers so much to learn and experience, why should my inconsequential marathon occupy my mind?

Although I realize how minimal my existence is in this tapestry of the universe, I still want my thread to stand out. I must transform my beige strand into a golden fiber that illuminates and strengthens the fabric. I must continue my marathon. I must sprint every mile. I must persevere, not to achieve glorious recognition, but to create consequential change.

However, the cabin has taught me to focus beyond the finish line-I'm not sure if the finish line even exists. I now run to nature's pace, driven by the wind shaking the tree branches and the determined buzzing of worker bees. After adopting this new perspective, I am finally able to appreciate each moment. While this change did not happen all at once, I gradually found myself enjoying classes instead of feeling held captive by school bells and deadlines. An English assignment is a chance to explore interpretations of dystopia, not an item on my to-do list. Physics class is a time to enjoy problem-solving, not to focus on memorizing formulas. Each day brings a new viewpoint; an additional thread comes into focus as I appreciate more and more of the mysterious tapestry.

I hope to one day admire this work in all its glory, but I realize that thought is naive- the tapestry will never fully emerge from the shadows. Just as I will continue to learn and grow, the universe will evolve. I cannot learn everything or understand every perspective; I'll never finish this race. Yet, the journey is so enjoyable that I appreciate its endless essence.

Mile after mile, the marathon persists, and I'm finally glad to be running.

【老师评三】

打开这篇首段，读到Spanish verbs，rhetorical analysis, derivatives，你肯定想到了那两篇同样捆绑着classroom subjects的哈佛文《Backyard four corners》和《Colors of everything》，都是带着系列的比喻捆绑。但这篇《Cabin》的classroom subjects不用喻，而是硬绑。这种感觉，初来是突兀，渐渐却又真实。

无论谁在木屋里学习的时候，脑子里都不会想到什么成系列的比喻。 第二段，读到success and failure交互的时候，这篇Cabin文的最突出的优点，就开始显现了，a sprint with a moving finish line。

如今的每个高中生，还有正在读着这篇的AO，谁都能感受到这里的真实情绪。在名校长的research paper和名校生的business plan都是造假的年代，真实算不算个赤裸裸的优点？你说吧！

第三段，主题“focus beyond the finish line”出现。Beyond Finish Line，这就是成长，一个每个人都有的成长。但很少有人敢于直接拿它来表达自己。在一个到处是别人琳琅满目的finish line的环境里，能有这份beyond自信的不多吧？听熟了的“友谊第一、比赛第二”逻辑你，这里读不出耳中起茧的虚伪。

后面的段落，各自认真读读吧。这篇里，figurative language有，但不必多说了。 如果要改，开篇“They say home is where the heart is, and while my body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, my heart is always 350 miles north, tucked away in a rustic, red cabin along the shore of Messer Pond”太长了，改成“My body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, but my heart is always in a rustic, red cabin, tucked 350 miles north ashore Messer Pond”。

最后一篇，《Mushroom in Network》

The first rule of mushroom hunting is that if you are unsure about something, don't eat it. It is better to live another day wondering whether that mushroom is edible than to know immediately that it isn't. The second rule of mushroom hunting, which is much harder to learn, is that everything is connected. Underneath the forest floor, for years, tree roots and their corresponding fungal mycelia have grown, merged, and developed in a vast symbiotic network. Understanding these subterranean connections is vital to a successful hunt, but their significance extends far beyond the confines of the woods. Everything, including myself, is a confluence of connections, overlapping threads. This interconnectedness of life has become the essence of my values in scientific inquiry and social advocacy that form the mycelial fabric of my identity.

A single hyphal strand travels for miles in any direction, interacting, exploring. In the Boston Harbor Islands, my boots fill with seawater as I chisel away at the lichens on the intertidal rock. Their skewed distribution hints at the old refuse of the city nearby dumped into the wat er decades ago. This intersection, between a mushroom hunter and expired public policies, is unique, but the unifying connection is not. We ignore fungi, yet they reflect the state of the natural world.

Fungal mycorrhizae share their nutrients with plant roots. Millions attach to a single tree, providing necessities like nitrogen and phosphorus in exchange for sugar. They are the backbone of the biosphere, yet they occupy the background of our thoughts. At the Massachusetts State House, I stand before an audience of legislators and activists alike. I testify, bringing my experience of the fungal Kingdom, and propose state recognition of these organisms upon which we all depend. Fungi receive consideration and appreciation: a mycorrhizal connection.

Trace backward through this linkage eight years and find an origin: a spore germinates.

"Avi, mira!" I shouted to my grandfather from the needle-laden ground, a beige button protruding from the earth in front of my face.

"El cep," he replied, "Boletus edulis." It is a good find: the transient sum of infinite parts, of cooperation between the surrounding hemlocks and the fungal threads underneath. I am perplexed, bewildered: the most excited I have ever been. He provided a window into the inner workings of the woods; I will never stop looking through.

He continued, branching off on another path. In Catalonia, over centuries of cultural oppression under Spain, mushrooms (bolets), and mushroom hunters (boletaires), have been embedded in Catalan myth, culture, and the fabric of the land. Beyond the control of monarchs or dictators, fungi perfectly parallel a language and tradition forced underground.

Now I stand in Boston common among those who share this ancestry. We wave the Estelada and chant, but thousands of miles away, our brethren are beaten and imprisoned for "sedition." I sit alone in the Farlow Herbarium, a global collection of fungi and lichens. Halfway around the world, the streets remain full of protest. I cannot be there to defend the independence of the Catalan people and nation, but I can push to preserve the mycological aspects of its culture. My work for independence and my advocacy for fungi are fused, dikaryotic, joint in cause: elucidating the unseen, the neglected.

In nature, singularity fades, and the collective emerges in its place. From fungi to people, we all exist within networks: each a convergence of imperceptible relationship.

【老师评四】

从蘑菇到人类，“we all exist within networks”。这什么主题，我见过吗？没。这就是我读完这篇的感受。因为它让我curious，所以我对它interested。 开篇一大段，用133 words来讲mushroom的知识。

这么写的文书，很少有阅读感觉好的。不考虑我已经知道这篇是达茅成功文书的hindsight，这么写文书能成功需要有两个条件：一是写的内容要新鲜、有趣，二是读这篇的人要有时间和心情。做得到第一点，靠你的写作能力；做到第二点，多少要看你的运气了。 像这篇这样的好开篇，我还有亲身的经历。她是我今年的文书生E。

一开始她写了六篇文书，分别是关于环境、海洋、多元文化、社会活动、社区、艺术的主题。我对她的文书重新做了“编剧”，把海洋、环境和社会活动的故事重编成一个主题故事。那一篇的开篇段，用了E在Caribbean shark上的真实经历，与本篇的mushroom hunting异曲同工之妙。

E今年也收到了达茅录取。我的文书，版权都属于学生，他们的大学四年里，我暂不能拿来分享。 下一个重要概念“人”的引出，这篇故事的设计是值得学习的。“They are the backbone of the biosphere, yet they occupy the background of our thoughts”，这句transition是有技术含量的、意识流写法。接着Mass State House的，是作者蘑菇兴趣的origin即祖父。

接着，从祖父顺滑到Catalan，接着是两段、152 words的混合主题，把蘑菇和加泰兰人两个看似无关的概念，出其不意地联系在一起。这，还是意识流。

倒数第二段，让叙述顺滑回fungi和Boston，这不仅给主题一个清晰的总结，还给故事的结尾一个呼应篇首的设计。很棒！ 最后一段，“each a convergence of imperceptible relationship”是这篇点睛之笔，干净、直接。这篇，算是四篇里写得最好的一篇。

【老师的总结】

读完四篇，我的总结如下。 第一，达茅招人，比如今的哈佛招的人更真实。这就是我比较哈佛和达茅2023文书的直接感受。其实，哈佛和斯坦福的2023-24里，我也感觉到真实的人数正在增长、superman的人数却在减少，只是这趋势暂时从海外生源里还不明显。

第二，达茅招人，跟如今的哈佛招的人一样好笔头。他们的narrative笔头都相当熟练，对于figurative语言的把握和意识流式概念转换，都手到擒来的自然。特别是意识流narrative，是值得中国学生好好学习的。

要把文书从你们习惯的说明进化到叙事，意识流是一个最佳的学习途径。 想学习这个narrative写作技巧的人，可以反复研读Joan Didion的《Slouching Towards Bethlehem》，也可以来找我上文书课。

《Slouching Towards Bethlehem》真的好，我当年就是反复听它之后学会英文写作的。对，我说的是反复。直到今天，我想好好写一篇英文的时候，也会拿出这篇Didion的经典来再听一遍。